Joey: Hey, Chandler
Joey: What?
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Hi! I’ll drop Emma off at my mom’s if we’re still on tonight.
Joey: Oh, you bet. Yeah. Okay.
Rachel: Say “Bye.”
Joey: Yeah. It's actually our first official date
Joey: Naa, no. This is the part I'm actually good at.
Joey: (pause) It's OK!
Joey: Well, I... I know exactly what I'm gonna do!
Joey: No, no no no no. See. Each woman is different.You have to appreciate
their uniqueness.
Joey: No, I do six things! First, I look deep in her eyes. Then, I kiss her.
Next I take my hand and I softly graze her thigh.
Joey: NO! Not like that, no no. No, like this. (He starts lightly grazing Chandler
Joey: More foosball?
OPENING CREDITS
[Central Perk. Ross and Chandler
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Ross and Chandler
Monica: (to Chandler
Ross: (looking at Monica's legs) WOW!
Ross: I'm sorry, it's just... how did you get so tan?
Monica: That was supposed to be a secret.
Chandler
Ross: Eh, you got a spray-on tan?
Monica: Chandler
Ross: (laughing) Why, why you do, like with the-the toe separators?
Ross: Still, I can't believe that's sprayed on... I mean, it looks really
good. I wonder if I should get one!
Ross: So, do you get colours or just French tips?
Monica: There. Here's their card.
Ross: Thanks. (he takes the card) Hey, I know where this place is! It used to
be an X-rated video... (pauses when he realizes what he is saying) florist. (he
goes away)
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey Phoebe!
Phoebe: Oh, you won't believe who moved back to town.
Monica: I know, Amanda! Ah! She called me too! She's the worst!
Monica: She's this girl who used to live in the building before you did. Then
she moved to England
Monica: (pause) (to Phoebe) Chandler
Phoebe: You know what Amanda said to me when she got me on the phone? (apes
Amanda in a british accent) "Oh, so sorry to catch you on your
Mo-Bile!" If-if you don't wanna get me on my mo-Bile, don't call me on my
mo-Bile!"
Monica: I know, and she's always bragging about all the famous people she's met.
Phoebe: Oh, I know! "Oh...I slept with Billy Joel". All right, who
hasn't?
Monica: Oh, what are we gonna do! I don't wanna see her!!
Phoebe: Ugh, Let's just cut her out!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Cut her out of our lives! Just ignore her calls and dodge her 'till she
gets the point!
Monica: Oh, I guess we could try that, but... it seems so harsh! (to Chandler
[At the tanning salon. Ross and a male assistant are
walking through a hall]
Assistant: Alright Mr. Geller! Right this way! So, how
dark do you wanna be? We have one, two or three.
Ross: Well... I like how you look, what are you?
Assistant: Puerto Rican.
Ross: Two, I think a two.
Assistant: You've got to face the red light. When the
red light goes on the spraying is about to start so close your eyes. When the
spraying stops, count to five. Pat yourself down to avoid drip marks then turn
around so we can get your back. Got it?
Ross: Spray, count, pat, then turn, spray, count and pat.
Assistant: Wow, you catch on quick.
Ross: Well, I have a PhD, so... (assistant walk out, not impressed by this
statement)
(Ross takes his bathrobe off and he enters the tanning booth. He stands up in front of the red light and the sprayer starts and sprays his face and torso)
(Ross takes his bathrobe off and he enters the tanning booth. He stands up in front of the red light and the sprayer starts and sprays his face and torso)
Ross: One Mississipi, two Mississipi, Three Mis...(the sprayer starts again,
spraying him in the face and torso again) WAIT! WAIT! I'm not-I've not finished
counting!! (he leaves the booth) (the assistant enters the room)
Ross: You sprayed my front twice!
Assistant: You've never turned?
Ross: No, I barely even got to three Mississippi
Assistant: Mississippi
Ross: Mississippilesly? (pause) Well, how bad is it?
Assistant: Ain't that bad yet, but it keeps getting
darker for the next four hours.
Ross: So, how dark is it gonna get?
Assistant: You got sprayed with two two' s and...
Ross: I'm a four?
Assistant: Yeah, but you're back's a zero. You're gonna
wanna even that out.
Ross: (sarcastically) Really!
Assistant: You might wanna get back in there.
Ross: (annoyed) Ok!
(The assistant leaves and
Ross goes back in the spray-on tan booth and turns his back to the spray
nozzles, facing the back wall)
Ross: Wait, wait a minute, there's no light on the back wall! How do I know
when it's gonna start? Hello? (he slowly turns and the spraying begins, on his
face) Ah, oh, ah! (he turns, but then he turns again and is sprayed in the
front again) Ah! (he spits and angrily goes out of the spray-on tan booth and
the assistant enters the room) The same thing happened again!
Assistant: You got two more twos?
Ross: (hysterically) I'm an eight!
[Joey’s apartment. Joey and Rachel enter the room]
Rachel: Thanks for dinner.
Joey: I thought you paid. (Rachel does not answer and seems puzzled) Ha, guess
we won’t be going back there!
Rachel: So.
Joey: Yeah.
(Joey and Rachel start
kissing)
Joey: Hey, what do you say, we move this onto the likes of the couch?
Rachel: I say ‘cheesy line’, but ok.
(They move on the couch and
start kissing again. Joey does his grazing on Rachel’s thigh and she slaps his
hand)
Joey: What’s the matter?
Rachel: I am sorry, I don’t know, I am sorry, I don’t know why I did that!
Joey and Rachel: Okay
Rachel: Ok, so sorry.
(They start kissing again
and, when Joey grazes her thigh, she slaps him on his hand again)
Rachel: I am sorry! Again... I don't know, I don’t know what happened, I must be
nervous!
Joey: I don’t get it, Chandler
Rachel: Ok, ok, ok. I promise, I promise, I promise, I won’t do it again. I
really do. I promise. This is gonna be great.
Joey: Ok.
(They start kissing again
and when Joey grazes, she slaps him three times, on the hand, and on both
cheeks)
Joey: (a little giddy) Uh, was that good for you?
[Monica’s apartment. Monica and Phoebe are reading
magazines when the phone rings and Phoebe reaches to pick it up]
Monica: (to Phoebe) No, no, don’t get it. Let the machine pick up.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Could be Rachel asking if someone could baby-sit again.
Monica: It could be Amanda!
Phoebe: Oh, you’re right! I was just kidding about Rachel. Babysitting is a gas!
(The machine picks up the
phone)
Amanda: Hello Monica. It’s Amanda calling again. I am in the neighborhood hoping
I can pop by your flat!
Monica: You're from Yonkers
Amanda: Let’s see.. to assure you get this directly, ring me back on my mobile.
Phoebe: Ok, don’t hold thy breath!
(Sound of dialing numbers is
heard from the speaker of the machine)
Amanda: Yes, I was looking for Monica.
Monica: We weren’t picking up, it’s Amanda!
Monica: Hi Amanda! Actually now... it’s... is not a good time. Dinner tomorrow
night? (Phoebe mouths 'no') Ok, Phoebe and I will see you then!
Phoebe: Why, why, why didn’t you just say no!
Monica: Well, I said 'no' to her coming over now! I couldn’t say 'no' twice! I
get this uncontrollable need to please people!
Phoebe: (leaving) Fine, fine! You would not hold up well under torture!
Monica: And you would?
Phoebe: I did!
[Joey’s apartment. Joey and Rachel are sitting on the
couch]
Joey: Rach, you sure you wanna do this?
Rachel: Absolutely! Absolutely. I d... it’s just a little weird, it’s you, and
it’s me, it's just gonna take some getting used to.
Joey: Ok. Well, how, how can we make it easier?
Rachel: Ok, let’s work from the top down! (Joey nods, but then puzzled because
he does not get it) Just work the bra, Joe!
Joey: Ok, yeah, got it.
Rachel and Joey: Okay.
(They start kissing and Joey
starts to undo her bra, but fails completely)
Joey: Is this
thing welded shut?!
Rachel: Okay. You want a little help?
Joey: Okay. I can handle it. Okay? I’ve been opening these
since I was 9.
Rachel: Nine? What kind of 9-year-old girl wears a
bra?
Joey: No, no. I was 9. See, she was 16. Okay? Yeah. My
parents had—I can’t talk and work at the same time! All right, turn around, I got to get a look at
this thing.
Rachel: Oh!
(Joey starts trying to undo
her bra, but it won’t go.The elastic band snaps back, hurting Rachel.)
Rachel: Ow!
Joey: Sorry!
Rachel: Well this is romantic!
Joey: I'm sorry! (He stands up) This never happened to me before! I'm an
expert at taking off bras! I can do it with one hand! I can do it with my eyes
closed! One time I just looked at one, and it popped open! I blame your bra!
Rachel: It’s a standard issue bra clasp!
Joey: Then I blame you! Yeah! That's right! You threw me off with all your
slapping!
Rachel: Ok well, well I'm really, I'm sorry about that Joey, but do you think
that maybe on some level, you don't want to take off my bra?
Joey: (contemplates for a few moments what Rachel just said) NAH! I don't have
another level!!
[Monica and Chandler
(Chandler Chandler
Ross: Hi!
Monica: Oh! Dear God.
Chandler
Ross: I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.
Ross: Oh! And it gets worse! (Turns his side to Chandler
Monica: How could you mess this up? It's so easy? You go into the booth, you
count to five and you turn around!!
Ross: (looks at her suspiciously) How do you count to five?
Monica: One Two Three...
Ross: (Yells) Damnit! (Goes to the door to leave. Rachel just enters, sees him
and starts laughing)
Rachel: (laughing) oooh! Oh oh!
Ross: (Still yelling) I Know!
Rachel: oh oh! What is up with Miss Hawaiian Tropic?
Rachel: Well, it was good.. until we got back to our apartment, and then we were
fooling around and he started to put his hand up my leg and I kept slapping it
away!
Rachel: Well, it wasn't just me, alright? He freaked out too! He couldn't even
undo my bra!
Monica: Wow, really? One time he just looked at my bra and it popped open.
(Chandler
Rachel: I do not know what's wrong with us, I mean, we have kissed before and
that's been great! But this time it was leading somewhere and I was very aware
of the fact that it was Joey touching me.
Monica: Well, you guys have been friends forever. Remember the first time that
you kissed Ross? How weird that was? You couldn't stop laughing? You got
through that.
Rachel: (looking thoughtful) Ok, that's true. That's true, we can do this.
You're right, you're right, we can do this. We're just gonna power through!
(Joey walks in)
Joey: Hey Chandler
Rachel: (To Joey) No need!! Problem solved, we are powering through (At
which point she grabs his hand and pulls him back to their apartment).
(Chandler
Monica: (sees what he is doing) Chandler
[Central Perk.]
(Phoebe is sitting on the
couch. Monica walks in.)
Monica: Hey Phoebe!
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Is Amanda here yet?
Phoebe: No.
Monica: (sits down) Oh good. Good, look I'm so sorry, for screwing up that
cutting-her-out plan. But I have a new plan. Chandler
Phoebe: Oh! Well, what kind of emergency that gets us both out of here?
Monica: Well, what do you think of Mike and Chandler
Phoebe: (makes a face) Are you kidding, I love it!
(A blonde woman walks in.
Supposedly Amanda)
Phoebe: Hi!
Monica: Hi!
Amanda: Hi! (Phoebe and Amanda hug)
Amanda: (To Monica) Hello!
(Monica holds her hands out
for a hug, but instead of hugging her, Amanda hangs her purse on one of
Monica's extended arms.)
Amanda: (In a fake British accent) It's so nice to see you! Both of you! Look at
me. Look how young I look! (gives her coat to Monica as well) Oh gosh! We have
so much to catch up on! But first things first: touch my abs (at which point
she grabs both Phoebe and Monica's hands and places them both on her stomach) I
don't exercise at all! (she pulls them down to sit.) Oh gosh, so Monica, you're
married!
Monica: (beaming) Yeah! Yeah! His name is Chandler
Amanda: (To Phoebe) Smell my neck! (Phoebe does so) It's not perfume! It's me!
It's my natural scent!
(Monica looks shocked)
Phoebe: Musty!
Amanda: Oh! Gosh! This is brilliant. Gosh, it's just like old times. I'm so
happy you two are friends again!
Monica: When were we not friends?
Amanda: Well, it was 1992, and I remember because that was the year I had sex
with Evil Knievel (She starts laughing very proudly).
Monica: Ehm, we were friends in 1992.
Amanda: (to Phoebe) No I distinctly remember you were dodging her (points at
Monica) calls and trying to avoid seeing her.
Monica: (To Phoebe) You were going to cut me out?
Phoebe: Well...kinda.
Monica: Oh My God!
Amanda: Oh! Bugger. Should I not have said that? I feel like a perfect arse!
Phoebe: Yeah well, in America
(Monica's mobile starts
ringing. She picks it up.)
Monica: (Into the phone) Hello? Chandler Chandler
Phoebe: (Also gets up and starts taking her purse) Oh my God. Was Mike with him?
Monica: Nope! (She turns and leaves)
[Joey and Rachel's apartment.]
(Joey comes running in.)
Joey: (To Rachel) Hey!
Rachel: Hey! Got champagne?
Joey: Yes ma'am, ready to Power through!
Rachel: Excellent! Stick it in the ice bucket, the phone is off the hook, and in
the interest of powering through (Starts to remove her bra from under her
clothes)...
Joey: Uh! (When she's done she throws her bra at him) Oh,sure. Now, Yeah.
Rachel: Ok (starts to light some candles) Sexy, sexy, very sexy, sexy. (Claps
her hands and jumps at Joey, clearly very excited) Alright! Lets do it!
Joey: Ok, you're scaring me a little bit.
Rachel: Oh! Get over it soldier, we've gotta do this! (She pulls him towards her
and throws him onto the barcalounger) Ok. Aha! You like that huh?
Joey: Oh! yeah!
Rachel: You like that? (She climbs on the barcalounger seductively, putting her
knees next to Joey's hips.) Let's take this into high gear (She pulls the
barcalounger lever and seat reclines. She puts one of her knees between his
legs and begins to kiss his neck.)
Joey: uh uh!
Rachel: Yeah baby, I'll show you how we do it!
Joey: No, no, no! You kneed me in my misters!
Rachel: What? Oh my God! I'm so sorry. Joey? Are you ok?
Joey: (He just sits there, legs very close together with a painful look on his
face) Soldier down!
[Monica and Chandlers
(Chandler
Monica: We are not friends with Phoebe anymore.
(Phoebe and Amanda walk in)
Monica: I just found out that she tried cutting me
out. Can you think of any reason why someone would want to do that? What is
wrong with me, Chandler
Phoebe: Oh Chandler
Monica: I have nothing to say to you.
Amanda: (announces more to herself than anyone else) Wow, my flat is twice
this size! You know, they asked me to be one of the Spice
Girls.
Phoebe: Please, Monica? In the hall?
(They both walk to the door
and enter the hallway.)
Amanda: Ooh, that accident must have been terrible. You look positively ghastly.
[The hallway]
Monica: I can't believe you tried to cut me out. Why Phoebe, why?
Phoebe: It was right after we were living together and you were driving me
crazy, okay? You were really controlling and compulsive and shrill.
Monica: I'm still all those things!
Phoebe: You're also so generous and kind and scrappy!
Monica: (starts smiling) I am scrappy.
Phoebe: Exactly! Look, no matter what I tried to do, I couldn't keep you out of
my life. Of all the people I have cut out, you were the only one who ever
clawed her way back in.
Monica: It's because I'm scrappy.
Phoebe: Yeah, you are. And I'm so glad that you fought your way back in, because
I don't know what I would do without you.
Monica: I won't know what I would do without you.
(They hug)
Monica: Well, I guess we should go back in. When you gave me another chance, I
guess we should do the same for Amanda.
Phoebe: Yeah, I guess you're right.
(They both enter the
apartment again, where Amanda is "dancing" for Chandler
Amanda: Can you believe it. I've never had any professional dance training.
(Monica and Phoebe look at
each other and leave the apartment again)
[A different spray-on tan center]
(Glenda, who works here, and
Ross are walking to the room with the spray-on tan booth.)
Glenda: Now, let me explain how this works. You go into the booth, and...
Ross: I'm gonna stop you right there, Glenda. Okay? Does it look like this is
my first time, huh? Now I want 4 two's... and I want them all on my back.
Glenda: (quietly) Okay...
(Ross enters the room, takes
off his robe and enters the booth. He stands with his back to the nozzles and
then realises that this booth has nozzles at both sides of the wall)
Ross: Wait a minute, there's two sets of nozzles, which one is it?
(He turns around frantically
from side to side.)
Ross: Which... which... which... Which one is it?
(He then stops turning,
facing one of the nozzles, which starts spraying in this face and front again.)
Ross: OH! SON OF A BITCH! Are you kidding?
(He now turns to the other
side, which also starts spraying his face and front.)
Glenda: How did we do?
Ross: I’m
a twelve.
[Joey and Rachel's]
(Joey and Rachel are both
sitting on the couch. Joey keeping his knees pressed against each other)
Rachel: What is the matter with us?
Joey: Well, I know what's the matter with me.
Rachel: No, I mean with us, you know. I mean, is it supposed to be this...
difficult?
Joey: I don't know.
(Chandler
Rachel: Hi! Hey, listen, can we ask you a question? When you and Monica first
hooked up, was it weird going from friends to... more than that?
Rachel: No, no, no... No, I mean... se-x-u-ally...
Joey: Yeah, was there a part of you that... felt like it was... really wrong?
(Rachel and Joey are still
looking at Chandler
Rachel: Well, just because it happened that way for them doesn't mean it has to
happen that way for us.
Joey: Yeah, yeah... Absolutely. I mean, just because something's difficult
doesn't mean that you quit.
Rachel: Right, totally.
Joey: Yeah, so we just keep trying and trying until we... do it.
Rachel: Yeah, and if doesn't work, then we'll be just one of those couples that
never have sex.
Joey: That's a... pla-an.
(They both stare for a
while, and then look at each other)
Joey: (sighs) Wow... I did not see this coming.
Rachel: I know.
Joey: I don't get it. I mean, I was so sure this was what I wanted.
Joey: I don't get it. I mean, I was so sure this was what I wanted.
Rachel: Hmmm... Me too...
(She puts her head on Joey's
shoulder and Joey kisses her on her head.)
Rachel: I wonder how Monica and Chandler
Joey: I guess they weren't as good friends as we are.
(Lifts her head from Joey's
shoulder)
Rachel: Aah... I bet you're right.
(They look at each other for
a while)
Joey: So...
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: I love you.
Rachel: Love you too... Alright, I'm going to bed.
Joey: Yeah, me too.
(Rachel gets up, and Joey
tries to get up, but halfway up he sits down again.)
Joey: Ooh, yeah, I'm not going anywhere for a while.
(Joey takes the ice-bucket
with the champagne bottle in it and puts it on his sore spot)
ENDING CREDITS
[Ross's apartment.]
(Ross is reading a National
Geographic on his sofa when Chandler
(Ross's face is now a VERY
dark shade of brown.)
Ross: Go away! I don't want to see anybody.
Ross: Really? Did you count Mississipily?
(Ross walks to the door and
opens it.)
Ross: Dude, you're not tanned.
(Chandler
(Ross closes the door)
The End
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