[Scene: Central Perk]
Monica: (she enters) Hey guys!
Ross, Rachel and Chandler
Monica: That place in Vermont
Rachel: Wait, you can't go away this weekend! It's Emma's birthday!
Ross: Yeah!
Rachel: We're having a party.
Monica: Well, can't you just have the party when we get back?
Ross: No.
Rachel: No, that day... that won't be her real birthday!
Ross: C'mon you guys, this is really important to us.
Monica: Well, I'm sorry, but Chandler
Rachel: Well, can't you just go to Vermont
Ross: Yeah, we want everyone to be there. As much as I hate to delay your
doing weird sex stuff to my little sister.
Rachel: And I mean, you know, you guys... This is a big deal. I mean, how can we
have her first birthday party without her aunt and her uncle!
Ross: I
promise I won’t do any magic.
Monica: All right, we'll stay. We can just drive up after the party.
Monica: Believe me, that is not why we won't be doing that!
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment]
Rachel: You know Pheebs, when I was little, on my birthday, my daddy would hide
a present in every room of the house, and then he would draw a treasure map to
help me find 'em all.
Phoebe: Oooh, I love family traditions like that. When uhm... when Ursula and I
were kids, on our birthday, our stepdad would sell his blood to buy us food!
Ross: (he enters) Hey guys!
Rachel and Phoebe: Hi!
Ross: Hey, I brought the camera for Emma's video.
Rachel: Oh, good, good! We had this idea to make a birthday video for Emma and
we'll give it to her when she is 18.
Phoebe: Oh, COOL!! Wow, it's like a time capsule!
Ross: Yeah!
Phoebe: Oh, just think... she's gonna be watching that video on a TV that hasn't
even been invented yet! With friends who right now are just like babies! And
they'll be living in a floating city that the humans built to escape the ant
people!
Ross: That's the hope! So, is Emma awake yet?
Rachel: Oh no, it's still nap time. But she'll be up soon.
Ross: Ah, and where is Joey?
Rachel: I said it's still nap time.
(Joey comes out from his
room, yawning)
Ross: (taping Joey with the cam) Hey, there is uncle Joey!
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Hey, say something to Emma on her 18th birthday!
Joey: 18, uh? (starts to prepare himself to say his "How You
Doin'" line)
Ross: Joey, NO!
Joey: What, what!? it's for her hot friends!
Ross: When they see this you'll be 52!
Joey: And starting to think about settling down!
Rachel: Hey Joey, will you please set this up for people to put Emma's presents
on?
Joey: I'd love to! Yeah!
Joey: (To Phoebe) We were supposed to bring presents?
Phoebe: Yeah! I wrote Emma a song.
Joey: Oh, yeah! How was I supposed to know?
Phoebe: Joey, it's a birthday party.
Joey: Yeah, but for a one-year-old. What's the point... the other day she
laughed for like an hour at a cup. Just a cup with a picture of Elmo on it
dressed as a farmer. And he's standing next to this cow and the cow says
"El-moo"! (Joey starts laughing) Yeah... that's a funny cup!
(Monica and Chandler
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: Oh, she's still napping
Rachel: Look, I know that you guys really want to get to Vermont
Monica: All right... you're right. We're sorry. Now let's wake up Emma and get
the fun time started!
Rachel: No really, she didn't sleep well last night, so we can't wake her up.
Monica: Are you freaking kidding me, Green?
(someone knocks on the door.
Rachel goes to open it)
Jack and Judy: HI!
Ross: (points the camcorder towards them to record their entrance) Hey!
Monica: So glad you came!
Jack: I can't believe Emma is already one!
Judy: (to Monica) I remember your first birthday! Ross was jealous of
all the attention we were giving you. He pulled on his testicles so hard! We
had to take him to the emergency room!
Ross: (pointing the camcorder at himself) There's something you didn't
know about your dad!
Joey: Hey Mr. and Mrs. Geller! Let me help you with that.
Jack: Thank you!
Joey: Oh man, this is great, uh? The three of us together again! You know what
would be fun? If we gave this present to Emma from all of us!
Jack: Which one are you?
(Later...)
Monica: I can't believe Emma is still asleep!
Monica: I've got a plan. I've got a plan. I'm going to ram this platter really
hard into your ribs. You're gonna scream out and that'll wake her up!
Joey: Hey Pheebs, you know what? I was thinking... since you wrote a song,
maybe I could do something for Emma using my talents!
Phoebe: So you’re gonna... hit on her?
Joey: No, no, no! My talents as an actor!
Phoebe: Oh!
Joey: You know, I could like maybe... I could do a dramatic reading of one of
her books!
Phoebe: Or you could stick a fork in an apple!
Joey: Hey, I think Emma might like it!
Rachel: Oh! Emma might like what?
Joey: Um, my present!
Rachel: What did you get her?
Joey: Actually we prepared performances.
Phoebe: Separate performances.
Joey: But equally real!
Rachel: Well, this sounds like fun! Well, you know what? Actually? People are
getting a little antsy waiting Emma to wake up from her nap, so would you mind
performing them once now?
Phoebe: Sure, yeah!
Joey: (unconfidently) O K.
Rachel: (to everybody) All right, let’s get this party started, huh? Joey
and Phoebe are gonna perform a little something for us.
Ross: Oh, great!
Phoebe: (to Joey) Are you gonna be embarrassed going up there having
nothing prepared?
Joey: Hey, I do it every week with three cameras pointed at me and a whole
crew waiting!
Rachel: So, Joey, what are you gonna do for us?
Joey: I will be doing a dramatic reading of one of Emma’s books.
Rachel: Oh, ok, which one?
Joey: Uh, why, it’s a... (he picks a book up) one of her favorites, uh,
(he reads the title of the book) “Riding the Storm Out. Coping with
post-partum depression” eesh! (he puts the book back and picks up another)
“Love you forever”. Love you forever. By Robert Munsch. Published by Firefly
books. Printed (he pauses and changes the tone to a dramatic one) in Mexico
Rachel: (crying) Wow! That was amazing!
Ross: Thank you so much for that gift!
Ross: Amazing... amazing.
Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, I’m sorry! Phoebe has prepared something as well.
Phoebe: That’s right, I've prepared a song for Emma. From my heart to hers. For
there’s no greater gift, than the gift of music. (she starts singing)
Emma! Your name poses a dilemma. 'Cause not much else rhymes with Emma! Maybe
the actor Richard Crenna, he played the commanding officer in Rambo. Happy
birthday Emma!
Rachel: Is that it?
Phoebe: No, of course not! I also, you know, prepared a reading (she picks up
a book). “Sex and the single mother. (pause) Finding your G-spot.
Everybody: No, no, no, no, no!
[Scene: Joey’s Apartment. Ross is filming his parents
]
Judy: Hello Emma. Happy eighteenth birthday.
Jack: Right now that seems so far away, seventeen years.
Judy: Yes, you’ll be all grown up by then. We’ll be... Well your grandfather
and I might not be here.
Jack: That’s true! This message could becoming to you from beyond the grave,
Emma!
Judy: After all, my parents died very young.
Jack: And my cholesterol’s off the charts!
Judy: Remember, Emma, heart disease kills women too!
Ross (stops recording): Ok, cut! Great. That
was... that was just... yeah!
Rachel: Ross, um, don’t forget to get a shot of Emma’s cake. It’s in a box in
the fridge.
Ross: Sure.
Rachel: Oh, you're gonna love this cake. I got it from a bakery in New Jersey
Monica: Oh my God, that place has the creamiest frosting! I use to hitchhike
there when I was a kid.
Rachel: Well, anyway, they make these great novelty cakes, in all different
shapes, and if you give them a photo, they’ll copy it in icing!
Monica: Oh, did you do a picture of Emma?
Rachel: Yes! On a cake shaped like a bunny.
Ross: Uh, Rach? Does this bakery by any chance also bake erotic cakes? Say for
bachelorette parties?
Rachel: Ross, what are you talking about? (she sees the cake) oh! Oh my
God! They put my baby’s face on a penis!
Phoebe (sees the cake): oh! Now it’s a party!
Rachel: Why you guys this isn't funny, all right? If I wanted this cake to be a
disaster I would have baked it myself!
Joey (staring at the cake): Uh.. is it ok that I still
think it looks delicious?
Judy:(to Jack)
Jack, look at this.
Jack: I know what you're thinking Judy, the resemblance is uncanny!
Ross: I am this close to tugging on my testicles again.
Rachel (on the phone): No, no, this is not what I
ordered. Ok? I went all the way to New
Jersey
Ross: Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby’s face off the penis,
so we can put it on the bunny. (pause). That is a weird sentence!
Rachel: Oh! Believe you me! I am going to bring this cake back, I don't even
want it in my home... (Turns towards the cake and sees Joey trying to take a
piece and yells at him) Joey, don't touch it!!
Joey: I'm so confused!
Rachel: (speaking to the person on the phone again) Yes, yes. I still
want my daughters picture, but on a bunny cake. Yellow cake, chocolate frosting
with nuts!
(Later...)
(Ross, Chandler
Ross: Hey Mon, that was really nice of you to loan Rachel your car so she
could go and get the cake.
Monica: Oh. So nice of her to pull my hair, 'till I dropped the key!
Ross: Well, you know what? While we're waiting, you guys could tape your
message to Emma for her 18th birthday, huh? (takes the camcorder and points
it at Monica and Chandler
Monica: We're Aunt Monica and uncle Chandler
Ross: Thanks.
Another good one. I can’t believe I taped over my Big Brother audition for
this.
Monica: Ross, Rachel promised it would be over by now. We seriously have to go,
if we want to get to Vermont
Phoebe: And you know, I have a massage client soon.
Ross: You guys, just please.. a little bit longer. I promise, Rachel will be
back with the cake any minute. Monica, remember.. the frosting? huh?
Monica: Alright, 5 more minutes.
(The phone rings, Ross picks
up)
Ross: (Into receiver) Hello? (listens) Oh no! What happened? (listens
some more) Ok ok, where are you? (Grabs a pen and starts writing).
Ok, I'll be right there. (Puts the phone down)
Ross: No, Rachel got pulled over for speeding. She forgot her licence so now I
have to bring it to her.
Phoebe: Well, if you're leaving, I'm definitely gonna go.
Monica: No! Wait! If anybody gets to go.. it's us (Points at herself and Chandler
Ross: No, wait ! You guys, no, no, you can't leave! Rachel already feels bad
that the cake's messed up. How do you think she's gonna feel when she comes
back here and all you guys are gone?
Ross: Joey! You're in charge, ok? You make sure nobody leaves! (leaves)
Joey: Got it! (Goes towards the front door and stands with his back to it)
Hey hey hey! (to Chandler
Joey: Alright, well the rest of you get comfortable, ok, because we're gonna
be here for a li...(stops and thinks) Wait a minute, there is a window
in there!
Phoebe: Oh no! He's not getting away that easy! (Phoebe and Joey run towards
the bathroom and enter)
Joey: Well, that one did not have Emma's face on it.
Phoebe: No, it did not.
Joey: No.
Judy: Well, we better get going, it's late. Jack's not allowed to drive at
night anymore. He has trouble staying in his lane.
Jack: Last winter I went up on a church lawn and drove right through a manger
scene. The papers thought it was a hate crime.
Judy: Anyway, it was lovely seeing you.
Joey: Ok! (Opens the door for them)
Judy: Bye... Bye dear.
Joey: Nighty-night!
Judy: Nighty-night!
Joey: Bye, bye.
Phoebe: Joey? How could you just let them leave?
Joey: Hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm not gonna mess with Jack, he's a great man, he
fought for our country.
Monica: No, he didn't! He pretended to be a Quaker to get out of Korea
Joey: (Shocked) Oh! Well that's it! He's the last one to go. I'm
locking you guys in. (turns the bolts of the door, thereby locking it)
Joey: Oh! I forgot you used to live here!
(The phone rings, Joey picks
up)
Joey: Hello?
Estelle: (on the other side of the line) Joey! It's Estelle!
Joey: Hey! (smiles)
Estelle: So, how did your audition go today?
Joey: (smile fades) What audition?
Estelle: The one I told you about last week?
Joey: What? You never said anything about an audition!
Estelle: (Looks confused) Let me start over. I just got a call about an
audition. I think you can still make it. It's down at the Astor Theatre and you
need to have a monologue prepared.
Joey: A monologue? I don't have.. (sees the book he was reading before for
his "dramatic reading") I got it. (hangs up) (announces
to the room) Aah! so... I'm gonna take off!
Phoebe: Wh.. what? No wait, you don't get to leave! I've got a massage client
waiting outside my door any minute!
Monica: Yeah, and we've paid for a room, that we're supposed to be in right now!
Phoebe: Well, oh, ok now... Only one of us has to stay with Emma. Ok, and as the
person who realized that, I get to go!
Monica: No! no! Let's figure out a fair way to decide who's staying.
Joey: Oh! I got it! Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. Alright?
Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first.
Monica: (She gives Joey a you-are-so-stupid-look) Ok, ten.
Joey: Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine! Anyone else?
Phoebe: No, lets just draw straws.
Joey: Or.. we could flip a coin, and then multiply the..
Joey: Right.
Monica: Ok, how about this: We got wind up toys for Emma for her birthday. We
can make them race, and whoever comes in last, stays!
Phoebe: (Visibly excited) Yeah!! Let's do that!
Monica: Everybody get your toys! (They all run toward the table with toys)
Phoebe: Ok! I want the dolphin!
Phoebe: I'm too excited!
Monica: Phoebe, you get the bear, uhm, Joey, you get the robot, and Chandler
Joey: Ok, ladies and gentlemen, wind your toys! (they do so)
(Monica, Phoebe and Joey
release their wind-up toys.)
Phoebe: Go! Go!
Joey: Come on robot!
(Phoebe's bear takes the
lead, followed by Joey's robot, and far behind is Chandler and Monica's dog,
which walks a few paces, stops and starts barking, sits, walks again, and so
on... )
Monica: (to the dog) What are you barking at?
(While Phoebe's bear is
still in the lead, it is now closely followed by Joey's robot. Chandler
Monica: Wha... How the hell is that gonna help?
(Meanwhile the race has been
won by Phoebe's bear, followed by Joey's robot)
Joey: Way to go robot!
Phoebe: Good job Alan!
Joey: Hey, good race you guys.
Phoebe: Yeah, see you later!
(Joey and Phoebe leave for
the door)
Monica: No! No, no... wait! We didn't lose. (turns to Chandler
(Monica turns to see the
closed door.)
[ Scene: The freeway. Rachel is driving Monica's Porsche,
while using her mobile phone. Ross is sitting next to her.]
Rachel: (into the phone) No, there isn't time to go to the bakery. We're
just gonna come home... Everybody left? Alright, well just tell Emma we're
gonna be there as soon as we can. (emotionally) Bye...
(She hangs up, closes her
phone, turns around and puts it in her bag which is in the back of the car.
While doing this and not looking at the road, she turns the steering wheel by
accident, which makes the car swerve.)
Ross: RACHEL!
Rachel: OOH! God! Sorry!
Ross: (sarcastically) I can't believe they gave you a ticket. You're
such a good driver.
(Ross fastens his seat
belt.)
Rachel: Emma's awake.
Ross: Yeah?
Rachel: I can't believe this. This is her first birthday. She's awake. We're not
even there. Everybody left. We still have this stupid obscene cake.
Ross: Hey, maybe I can fix that, you know. Try to turn it into something else.
(he opens the box)
Rachel: Oh, why do you even bother? I already ruined her first birthday... And
do you know how important these early experiences are Ross? Very! According to
the back cover of that book that you gave me.
Ross: Rach, she's not going to remember this.
Rachel: (shakes her head) I guess... Oh, I just had such an idea of what
this day would be like, you know? Emma laughing and everybody gathered around
her cake singing "Happy Birthday". Then we would all go into... HEY
GET OUT OF THE ROAD YOU STUPID STUDENT DRIVER!!! (honks furiously, and Ross
looks at her in disbelief and Rachel looks at him.) They have to learn!
Ross: (looks back at the cake) Hey!
Rachel: What?
Ross: It's not bad.
Rachel: (she looks at the cake) Oh my God! Look what... you made it into
a bunny. How did you do that?
Ross: Well, I just made these two things uhm... cheeks. And then I split this
to make ears.
Rachel: Well, I'm very impressed.
Ross: Some can sing, some can dance. I apparently can turn phallic cakes into
woodland creatures.
[ Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment. Chandler, Monica
and Emma are sitting on the floor, and Emma's stuffed animals are lined up in
front of them.]
Monica: Now another way to organise your stuffed animals, is by size.
Monica: Game?
(With his index finger he
shows her how old she is. Emma also points her finger and babbles...)
Monica: That's how old you are.
Monica: (embraces Emma tightly) Ooh, I want one...
(There's a couple of seconds
of silence. Then Chandler
Monica: ...and head to Canada
Monica: I wasn't. Let's get going!
(Phoebe enters the apartment
again.)
Phoebe: Hey, are Ross and Rachel back?
Phoebe: Oh good, I didn't miss the party.
Monica: What about your massage client?
Phoebe: I just felt so bad, missing this. So I just slipped him a little
something, you know. As long as I'm back in five or six hours, it will be
alright.
(Joey comes running into the
apartment, out of breath.)
Joey: Okay, if Ross and Rachel ask, I've been here the whole time. THE WHOLE
TIME!
(Ross and Rachel enter.)
Joey: (to Ross and Rachel) I've been here the whole time!
Ross: Joey, we just saw you come in. You ran past us on the stairs.
Rachel: I don't care that you left. I'm just glad that you're here. Thanks you
guys!
Rachel: What?
Emma: Wo-ish. (and holds up her finger)
(Ross and Rachel gasp)
Rachel: Oh! Emma, that's right! You're that many!
Ross: Oh my God! Our daughter's a genius! Rach, this means...
Rachel: (angrily) NO, no science camp!
Ross: Damnit! I'll put a candle on the cake.
Rachel: Oh!... Oh and Emma, look at your stuffed animals lined up so neatly!
Monica: Thanks!
Ross: Okay, here we go! Emma's first birthday cake... Well hey... well, blow
out the candle. Come on Emma.
(Rachel wipes away some
tears.)
Ross: What's wrong? Are you okay?
Rachel: Oh yeah, nothing! These are happy tears! This is just what I wanted.
Phoebe: (pointing at cake) Hey, you made it into a bunny.
Joey: What is wrong with me. It looked more delicious when it was a penis.
ENDING CREDITS
[Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment. It's just Ross
and Rachel. They put the camera on a tripod in the kitchen and they are
standing in front of the camera.]
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Okay, you ready?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: A-a-and... record.
Ross: (Big Brother audition. Take one. I guess you could say I’m kind of a
player) Okay.Let’s….Let’s try that again.
Rachel: Okay. (they both look into the camera, and Ross waves.) Hi Emma.
Well, your first birthday is over, and it was really...
(There's a lot of yelling
and screaming coming from the hallway, and they get up to look at what's the
noise all about. In the hallway, Monica, Chandler
Phoebe: (yelling at the top of her voice) Go, go, go Alan! Run you hairy
bastard!
END
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