Phoebe: (she enters) Hey...
All: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Pheebs, what's wrong?
Phoebe: Oh, I'm just so exhausted from dragging around this... (she shows her ring)HUGE engagement
ring!
All: OH!
Rachel: My God!
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Congratulations! Wow!!
Rachel: Congratulations! Wow!!
Ross: So, did he get on one knee, did he have a speech prepared, or (in a tender way) did he cry? (the guys look at him) Yeah, big
surprise, I like proposals!
Phoebe: Well, it was really
sweet, and like the most romantic thing ever.
Joey: Well, hey! Well... (he takes
his mug to toast Phoebe) Here's to Phoebe, who's found the greatest guy
in the world! To Phoebe and... (a bit
uncertain) I wanna say Mike? (pause)
To Phoebe and Mike!
All: Whoo!
Phoebe: Thank you! (to Rachel)
Oh, and I have something for you!
Rachel: Mmh-mmh!
Phoebe: It's, yes, my little black book. It's got the numbers of all the guys
I've dated.
Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, baby, that's nice but, you know what, I think I'm ok. Why
don't you give it to one of your other single girlfriends?
Phoebe: I would, but you're the last one.
Rachel: (angrily) GIVE ME THE BOOK! (she takes it and start reading) Pablo Diaz, Brady
Smith, huh, "Guy-in-van"? 小貨車
Phoebe: Oh, my first love!
Rachel: Oh!
Monica: What does the red X next to Bob Greenmore's name mean?
Phoebe: Dead. (everyone is a bit upset)
Oh, it's OK, no, he was old,
yeah! And he lived a full life, he was in the first wave at Omaha Beach
Rachel: Phoebe, isn't Jethro Tull a band?
Phoebe: (proud of herself) Oh yes, they are.
OPENING CREDITS
Scene: Chandler
Joey: (Looking inside the fridge, and we only see
his back. Then he closes the door, and we see it's Joey.) Hi sweetie!
Joey: No.
Joey: Cool!
Chandler: Yeah, and I don't wanna brag(吹牛)
but a lot of the ideas were mine! (silence) Hell(究竟，到底，反正), you weren't there? All
the ideas were mine!!!
Joey:
That's great! Hey, can you cast(選派v.，演員陣容n.) me in it?
Joey: What do you mean? I can do anything, I'm a chameleon(變色龍)! Huh? (he mimes an old man with a
beard) I'm old! (then he yawns)
I'm tired! (then he mimes someone
who's hot...) Hey, I'm hot (...and
cold) I'm cold!! Huh?? Come on! What can't I do?
Joey: I can do that! (in a deeper
voice) "Hello, I'm your professor. When I'm not busy thinking of
important things or... professing. I like to use..." Oh, what's the
product?
Chandler: Software that facilitates(使..容易，促進)
inter-business networking e-solutions?
Joey: (after a long pause he starts miming again) I'm cold!
Scene: Central Perk. Charlie is sitting on the couch
and Ross enters.]
Ross: (to Charlie) Hey!
Charlie: Hey!
Ross: Guess who's a finalist for a huge
research grant(補助金)!
I'll give you a hint, he's looking right at you.
Charlie: Ah, well, unless it's the creepy guy with
his hand up his kilt, I'm gonna say
congratulations!
Ross: Oh, I'm so excited, I mean, apparently I beat out hundreds of other applicants, included five guys I went to graduate
school with(研究所同事). Not that I'm keeping score or anything... five!
Charlie: Wow, that's great! So, tell me about the grant!
Ross: Well, ok, it's for 25 thousand dollars. And if I get it, I'll finally be
able to complete my field research! And
there will be an article about me in the "Paleontology
Review"! Yeah! That'll be the first time my name is in there, without
people raising serious questions about my work!
Charlie: Wait. Are you talking about the Dewar grant?
Ross: Yeah. Why?
Charlie: Benjamin Hobart is administering that grant.
Ross: Your ex-boyfriend?
Charlie: Yeah.
Ross: So, your ex-boyfriend is gonna determine if your new boyfriend gets this
grant? Wow, your new boyfriend is screwed!
Charlie: No, no, we ended up in great terms(關係，友誼).
I mean, if anything, I think this could help you. You know what? Why don't we
all go out to dinner together, and I can introduce you.
Ross: Well, if you think it would help.
Charlie: Yes, absolutely. I'll call him.
Ross: Ok, now, is there anything I can do to... you know, butter him up(迎合他)? Anything he really likes?
Charlie: Mmh... he does have a pretty serious latex
fetish.(戀乳情節)
Ross: We'll see how dinner goes.
Scene: Phoebe's apartment. She is packing a few tings
into boxes.]
Phoebe: (looking at Monica entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey, you wanna go to see a movie?
Phoebe: Well, I told you I had to spend all the day clearing out stuff, so Mike
could move in.
Monica: Oh, right.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: Oh, well. Now that I'm here I might as well help you with the cleaning
and organizing! Just happen to have my label maker!
Phoebe: Oh, it's so hard to get
rid of stuff! Did you and Chandler
Monica: Uh, Chandler
Phoebe: A bunch of stuff. And the worst one... he wants me to get rid of Gladys.
Phoebe: A bunch of stuff. And the worst one... he wants me to get rid of Gladys.
Monica: Who's Gladys? (Phoebe shows her
a horrific painting with a half-a-body girl dummy coming out of the frame.
Monica's frightened and she gasps.) Oh! What a tragic
loss!
Phoebe: Yeah. I really hate to
give her up. Oh, I know!! Oh, you should take her!
Monica: (faking happiness) Well, I-I-I-I... I don't know...
Phoebe: Why, you don't like her?
Monica: Well, of course I do. What's not to like! I'll take her in a minute!
But, you know, I think that you're giving up too easy, honey. I think that you
need to fight for her!
Phoebe: Really? You think?
Monica: Absolutely! Yes, you say to him "I'm sorry Mike I can't live
without her, she means too much to me!"
Phoebe: Ok, I'll fight for her. Ok! Oh, wait, oh I just realized... if I do
that, that means you don't get her.
Monica: Damn it, I did not think
this through!
Scene: Central Perk. Rachel, Joey and Emma are there.]
Rachel: Emma, mom’s got a snack for you.
Joey: um…You
know, every now and then, she might like some barbecue
potato chips.
Rachel: Hi!
Joey: Oh! Any word on casting yet?
Joey: What do you mean? Rach, don't I seem like a professor you'd buy some
kind of e-crap from?
Rachel: I'm sorry, this sounds like something I'm never gonna be interested in.
Joey(to Chandler
Joey: Just watch it, and if you don't like it, you don't pass it on to your
bosses!
Joey: Thank you. (he sits down)
Joey: Damn it! (he leaves)
Rachel: Just pass it to your boss!
Rachel: Just tell Joey that you watched the tape and you liked it, but your
bosses didn't. Then that way, you're the good guy and they're the bad guys.
Scene: A restaurant. Ross and Charlie are waiting for
her ex-boyfriend, Benjamin Hobart]
Ross: I can't believe I'm about to meet Benjamin Hobart. I've always thought of him as one of the people I'd invite to my fantasy dinner party. Do you think there's any chance he'll bring Christie Brinkley(一個名模) or C3PO?
Ross: I can't believe I'm about to meet Benjamin Hobart. I've always thought of him as one of the people I'd invite to my fantasy dinner party. Do you think there's any chance he'll bring Christie Brinkley(一個名模) or C3PO?
Charlie: (glances over Ross' shoulder) Sorry, looks like it's just
him.
Benjamin: Charlie! My God, you look absolutely stunning!
Ross: Well, I... I am having a good hair day.
Benjamin: So good to see you.
Charlie: Me too. (she and Benjamin are
hugging for very long and Ross starts pretending to clear his throat, until
they stop)
Ross: I'm ok.
Charlie: I'm sorry... (introduces them
to each other) Ross Geller... Benjamin Hobart.
Ross: It's an honor to meet you. I can't tell you how long I've been an admirer of your work, I mean, that Nobel prize, (he thumbs up) whoooo! I mean, I have
to tell you that, you're one of the reasons I got into the field.
Benjamin: Oh, well, likewise. Actually, not
likewise. I've never heard of you until this morning, but, it's nice to be nice!
Charlie: Shall we? (they sit down and
Benjamin takes Ross' chair).
Benjamin: (to Ross) Thank you! (to Charlie). I can't believe that
you chose this restaurant! Do
you remember the night?
Charlie: Oh my God, I completely forgot! (they
laugh) Oh my God! I can't believe they let us back in this place! (they laugh more, and Ross start laughing
too).
Benjamin(to Ross): You weren't there!
Ross: No, but, it's, you know, it's just a funny image, you know, the two of
you, in this restaurant, with... (laughs
nervously)tzz-zzz, mmm.
Charlie: Ross, why don't you tell Benji about your proposal,
while I go to the ladies room?
Benjamin: So, tell me about it.
Ross: Ok well, I would like to do a dig in the
painted desert.
Benjamin: M-m.
Ross: See, there are still several areas that haven't been fully excavated.
Benjamin: Break up with Charlie!
Ross: What?
Benjamin: What?
Ross: Did you just say "break up with Charlie"?
Benjamin: Well, yes, and now. Yes I did say it, and no, I didn't not say it.
Ross: Kind of inappropriate, don't you think?
Benjamin: I'm sorry. I just haven't seen her for so long! All these feelings are rushing back! I'm starting to realize how much I missed
her, and I'm gonna need you to break up with her.
Ross: Are you serious?
Benjamin: If you say yes then I'm serious, if you say no then I'm joking!
Ross: No!
Benjamin: Joking it is!
Scene: Monica's apartment. Phoebe enters the room.]
Phoebe: Hi! Sorry, I'm late.
Monica: Hey, how did it go with Mike, is he gonna let you keep the painting?
Phoebe: No, he really hates it. But he's gonna let me keep my box of human hair!
So you got to pick your battles. But the good
news is, Gladys is yours!
Monica: Wow, what's the bad news!
Rachel: Who's Gladys?
Phoebe: Oh, she's that work of art I made, you know, with the woman coming out
of the frame.
Rachel: (sarcastic)Oh, and Monica gets to keep her? In
her house? I am so jealous!
Phoebe: Oh, I didn't know you wanted her too!
Monica: Huh!
Rachel: Well, I mean, sure, of course. But... you already gave that to Monica,
so...
Monica: You know, I would give her up, for you.
Rachel: No, I couldn't let you do that.
Monica: But I want to.
Rachel: But I don't want you to.
Monica: But I insist!
Rachel: But I insist harder!
Phoebe: Girls, girls, stop, ok? We'll flip a coin.
Heads, she's Rachel's, tails she's Monica's. (she flips the coin). Tails! Monica, she's yours!
Monica: No, that landed in your food!
Rachel: (sarcastic) No, no, that's ok. You won fair and square. I'm so sad!
Scene: Chandler
Rachel: Then the little red squirrel
took all of his acorn and put them in his little
satchel and set off for…(講故事給Emma聽)
Ok! Someone’s getting a little fussy. I think it’s
time for bed.
Joey: Where’s
the little red squirrel going?
Joey: Oh, that’s so sweet. What's up?
Joey: (sounds disappointed) Oh.
Joey: (looks at him suspiciously) But, ehm... you watched the tape?
Joey: (sounds confident) You didn't watch the tape.
Joey: Look, it's one thing not to cast me, but to lie to me?
Joey: Well, you lied again! (Rachel
comes out of her room and is observing the conversation)
Joey: Keep going Pinocchio!
Joey: (yelling back) No you didn't! (turns and goes towards his room)
Rachel: Did you watch the tape?
Scene: Interview room. Ross and two other professors (one man, one woman) are sitting on
one side of a long desk. Benjamin Hobart is sitting on the other side]
Ross: Hi.
Look, I realize only one of us can get this grant. And I just wanted to wish
both of you the best of luck.
Others: Are you crossing your
fingers?
Ross: What,
this? No. This…That’s just the result of a childhood injury.
I
am cured!
Benjamin: Good morning, everybody. If you go ahead and
take your seats we can get started.
Ross: Actually,
Dr. Hobart, can I have a word with you?
Benjamin: And you are?
Ross: Ross.
Benjamin: I know. I’m kidding.
Ross: Listen,
I just want to say, last night…Dinner was a little awkward.
I just wanna make sure we’re okay.
Benjamin: Oh, yeah. Absolutely. You didn’t tell Charlie
what I said, did you?
Ross: Oh, no. Of course not.
Benjamin: Well, thank you. I want you to know, I respect your decision not to give
her up. It was the biggest mistake I ever made in my whole life. Well, that and
tattooing her name on my shoulder…last night
stupidly.
Ross: Seriously?
Benjamin: My Nobel Prize was not for moving on.
Ross: So no hard feelings?
Benjamin: None at all. Good luck today.
Ross: Thank you.
Benjamin: OK!
Benjamin: All right. The
selection committee has chosen the three of you
as our finalists today. The ultimate decision
will be based upon the answers you give to the questions I ask here. I'm gonna
start with Dr. Li. Dr. Li , you claim the
field is too reliant on the Linnaean taxonomic system. How do you propose to
correct this problem?
Dr. Li: Well, I believe that the answers lie in the osteological
evidence. I plan to begin there.
Benjamin: (nods) Interesting.
Ross: (Rolls his eyes) I guess!
Benjamin: Dr. Biely, your proposal includes some field work. Where might that take
place?
Dr. Biely: Primarily in the Pierre Shale region of South Dakota
Benjamin: Certainly. Very well. And Dr. Geller, when is my birthday?
Ross: (shocked and confused by the question) What? I... I... (Benjamin looks at him as if to say
"What's wrong? Answer the question")
Benjamin: Care to venture a guess?
Ross: (annoyed) May 12th?
Benjamin: (looks surprised
and un-impressed)
That's not even kinda close! (Ross
looks around confused) Dr. Li, how many graduate students you'd be
needing?
Dr. Li: Half a dozen.
Benjamin: I see, and Dr. Biely?
Dr. Biely: Three for excavation
and two for analysis.
Benjamin: Certainly. Dr. Geller, which 1965 Shirelles hit
was later covered by a popular British invasion
band?
Ross: (even more shocked) Wha..? I need 6 graduate students.
Benjamin: No! I'm sorry, we were looking for "Baby It's You". Baby It's
You.
Ross: Wha...? Wait, wait, wait, just a minute. None of my questions have
anything to do with Paleontology.
Benjamin: You're right, I apologize. Scratch the
last question. Spell "Boscodictiasaur".
Ross: (annoyed) um... I've never heard of a "Boscodictiasaur".
Benjamin: Yeah, I just made it up. Spell it.
Ross: (stares at him angrily) Ok. (determined to spell it correctly) B - O - S ...
Benjamin: No, it starts with a silent "M".
Ross: Oh come on!!
Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Chandler
Rachel: But you are a liar.
(Joey
comes out of his room)
Joey: You still here?
Joey: Ok whoah-hey... Let me just stop you right there, ok? First, you lied,
right? Then, you lied about
lying, ok? Then you lied about
lying about lying, ok? So before you lie about lying about lying about lying
about... lying... (loses count and
begins to count the number of 'lyings' in the air but gives up.)(yelling)
Stop lying!
Joey: (very angry) You wanna know wh...? You wanna know why? (goes back into his room)
Rachel: Well, this is going well. (Chandler
Joey: (comes out holding the tape) Here's how I know you
didn't watch the tape, ok? (puts it
into the vcr) If you had seen
what was on this tape, believe
me, you would have some
comments. Alright, now remember, I got paid a lot of money for this and it only aired
in Japan
(The
commercial:
Joey
says "Ichiban". It displays a few girls dancing around and Joey fills
most of the screen, he puts something blue on his lips and smacks them saying
"Lipstick For Men!" It goes on to show him playing a guitar and
putting on more blue lipstick. In the end he says seductively "Ichiban...
Lipstick For Men" and "Sahiko" and it ends. Chandler
Joey: (Yelling at
(Silence)
Scene: Monica's apartment. Phoebe enters carrying the
horrific 'painting' of Gladys. Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
Phoebe: (smiling from ear to ear) Well, Gladys say hello to
your new home! (she holds out the
'painting')
Monica: (faking happiness) Oh, my!
Rachel: (surprised by how ugly it is) Wow! (sarcastic) Oh, she's so nice and
big! Oh, Monica, where are you going to display Gladys oh so proudly? (looks around for a spot)
Monica: (sounds desperate, knowing what Rachel is trying to do) I haven't really settled on a spot yet!
Monica: (sounds desperate, knowing what Rachel is trying to do) I haven't really settled on a spot yet!
Rachel: Well, hey! How about right above the TV? (Points to the spot where her famous French poster is hanging). That way, it will be the first thing that you see when you
walk in the door!
Phoebe: (genuinely excited about it) Yeah, yeah! And you can get
rid of that French poster.
Monica: (offended) I like that poster!
Phoebe: Really? It doesn't have anything coming out of it. Or maybe there is
some place for her in your bedroom?
Rachel: (jumps at the chance to make that happen) Oh! There's nothing above
your bed!!
Monica: (Impatient with Rachel) Are you still here?
Scene: Ross' office. Ross is pacing and Benjamin
enters]
Ross: Stupid
Nobel Prize winner. I’m sorry.
Ross: Oh hi! Hello! Uh, have you come to ask me some more paleontology related questions? Uhm... your grandmother's nickname, perhaps? (Now yelling) Aunt Margaret's pants size?
Ross: Oh hi! Hello! Uh, have you come to ask me some more paleontology related questions? Uhm... your grandmother's nickname, perhaps? (Now yelling) Aunt Margaret's pants size?
Benjamin: I've come here to apologize. I think I may have let my feelings for
Charlie interfere with the interview process.
Ross: (Sarcastic) No! Stop!
Benjamin: Anyway, I've decided to offer you the grant.
Ross: (Skeptical) Really?
Benjamin: Well... there is just one small... stipulation...
Ross: I have to break up with Charlie?
Benjamin: Hey, you got one right!
(Ross
shakes his head)
Ross: You're crazy.
Benjamin: Crazy, or... romantic?
Ross: Crazy!
Benjamin: Ooor...
Ross: (Yelling) Get out! (Benjamin leaves)
Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment.]
(Rachel
enters, checking the mail, then looks up and sees Gladys placed on the
barcalounger.)
Rachel: O-oh my God!
Joey: (enters from his bedroom) What?
Rachel: Joey, what... is... this...thing...
doing here?
Joey: I got it from Monica. She sold it to me for a very reasonable price.
Rachel: Joey, we're not keeping this!
Joey: But it's an original Buffay...
Rachel: Alright, fine. You can keep it. As long as you don't mind that she's haunted.
Joey: Hey? what? what? wey! whoo! what? what!?
Rachel: Well, legend has it Joey, that... she
comes alive when you're asleep.
(Joey's
eyes are twice their size now, and looks nervously from Rachel to Gladys and
back.)
Rachel: She climbs out of the frame, and then drags
her half-a-body across the floor, just looking for legs to steal. (in a spooky, slow voice) And then
with her one good hand, she slo-o-owly re-e-a-aches up and turns your doorknob.
Joey: GET THAT LEGLESS WITCH OUT OF HERE!
(Joey
leaves for his bedroom, and Rachel grins. She then takes Gladys and enters
Monica's apartment.)
Monica: Hey! I sold that to Joey.
Rachel: Well, why I told him it's haunted. Two can play at this game. (gives Gladys to Monica)
Monica: No, too late. You can't give it back! (she pushes the painting back to Rachel)
Rachel: Yes I can! (pushes her back
again)
Monica: No you can't. She's yours!
Rachel: She's yours!
Monica: SHE'S YOURS!
Rachel: She's yours!
(While
they are both pushing the painting towards each other, Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey! (there's a pause)
Rachel: She's mine!
Monica: She's m-i-i-ne!
Rachel: She's mine!
Monica: She's mine!
Phoebe: You guys! You guys! You don't have to fight over her anymore. (she goes out into the hallway and enters
with an even more hideous painting/collage. One of those faceles mannequins
heads wearing a blueish dress and orange gloves reaching out into the room.
Around the head 3 small dolls are hovering.) Whoever doesn't get Gladys
gets Glynnis. (Rachel and Monica are
gasping for air at the sight of this monstrous piece of art.)
Rachel: I want Gladys!
Monica: She's mine!
Rachel: She's mine!
Monica: She's mine!
Rachel: She's mine!
Scene: Rachel and Joey's. Joey's home alone, reading a
Sports Illustrated magazine when Chandler
Chandler: 日語打招呼.
Joey: No,
no. You don’t get to do that.
Joey: That's not the point Chandler. The point is that you lied.
Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Phoebe and Rachel are on
the couch.]
Monica: Oh my God!
(we
see Joey and Chandler standing there, and Chandler
Rachel: Excellent!
Joey: Now, what do you say?
Joey: And?... AND?
Phoebe: I knew it!
Scene: Central Perk. Some time later that day. The
group has left and Charlie is there when Ross enters.]
Ross: Your ex-boyfriend is insane.
Charlie: He is a character.(他是個特別的人)
Ross: NO,
no, no. Charles Nelson Reilly is a character.
Charlie: Who?
Ross: Charles Nelson Reilly. The Ghost and Mrs. Muir? (幽靈與未亡人)Match Game?(配對遊戲-電影) Were you never sick as a child?
Charlie: Whatever. Did
you get the grant?
Ross: No I didn't, and you want to know why? Because your ex-boyfriend is
still in love with you.
Charlie: What?
Ross: Yeah. He wouldn't give me the grant, because I wouldn't give you
up.
Charlie: Benji isn't in love with me. I mean, he broke up with me. And besides, he's a very ethical man.
Ross: Really? Is it ethical to ask someone in a grant review, who was the
voice of "Underdog"?
Charlie: I'm sure he was just joking, Ross.
Ross: If you don't believe me, let's go talk to him, okay? I'm telling you, he
didn't ask me one
paleontological question.
Charlie: Seriously?
Ross: Oh, I'm sorry, no. He did ask me one. Uhm... How do you spell
Mboscodictiosaur?
Charlie: Well, if it's like the lake Mbosco in Congo
Ross: Damnit!
Scene: Benjamin's office. Ross and Charlie are
entering.]
Benjamin: Dr. Geller...? Charlie... What are you... what are you doing here?
Ross: I want you to tell her everything. About the deal you tried to make with
me, about the crazy questions you... Wally Cox! That's the voice of Underdog!
Benjamin: Like I tried to tell you in the interview Ross, this grant is not based
on your knowledge of pretty useless trivia.
Ross: No, no, no. Don't do that! I want you to look her in the eyes, and tell
her the truth.
Charlie: Benji?
Benjamin: Alright, it's true. I behaved horribly.
But it's only because I still love you. And I would do anything to have you back in my life.
Ross: Too little, too late, Benji!
Charlie: I can't believe this.
Benjamin: I never should have broken up with you. I think about you all the time.
I mean, do you ever still think about me?
Ross: (indignant) No!
Charlie: Yes!
Ross: What?
Charlie: I don't know what to say, Benji. This is all so.... romantic.
Ross: or...
Benjamin: Listen, I know, I may be way out of bounds
here, but is there any chance you will take me back?
Charlie: Maybe...
Ross: Sweetie, this conversation is starting to make me a little
uncomfortable.
Charlie: Oh God! I am so sorry, but... (she
puts her hand on Ross's cheek) I mean it's... there's so much history
between us, you know...
Benjamin: (puts his hand on
Ross's other cheek)
I'm sorry too...
(Charlie
and Benji both let their hands slide down Ross's face, until their hands meet,
and they hold hands.)
Benjamin: I love you!
Charlie: I love you too! (and they start
to kiss)
Ross: Okay, that's it. WE ARE SEEING OTHER PEOPLE!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Scene: Joey's bedroom. Joey's asleep with Hugsy, the
penguin right next to him.]
(There
are scratching and squeaking noises coming from the living room, and Joey wakes
up, terrified. He pulls his blanket higher. The doorknob is turning.)
Joey: Gladys?
(The
door opens, and there is Gladys, still in her frame though. Joey panics and
moves frantically, screaming. Then there is laughing, and the painting is
lowered. It was Rachel holding Gladys.)
Rachel: Ha ha ha, third time this week. Man, this does not get old.
Joey: You're mean!
Rachel: Oh, don't be such a baby!
(She
closes his door again, and turns around. Then she starts screaming, terrified.
There is Glynnis... And Monica holding her up, laughing.)
The End
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